Bridges Burnt and Built
by TheTBone
Summary: For so long, they had only each other to depend on. Now that Mariana and Jesus are living with the Fosters, can they open themselves up to the possibility of love, trust, and family? Or will their haunting pasts prevent them from ever letting anyone else in? Pre-pilot.
1. Tethered

**I don't own The Fosters. It's kind of a bummer. **

Jesus hesitated packing his overnight bag as he debated for the hundredth time whether or not he should do this. Whether or not he _could_ do this.

It's not that he was nervous to go to the sleepover. In fact, he couldn't be more thrilled at the prospect of actually spending the night at a friend's house. He wasn't worried about who was going to be there. He was worried about who wasn't.

Jesus and Mariana had always been a package deal; the price you pay when you've done everything together including being born. They had always looked out for each other, had each other's backs. And being the brother, Jesus always felt the need to protect Mariana, to defend her and watch over her.

Consequently, this made Jesus the more outgoing one. He often spoke on behalf of both of them, like when they had met Stef for the first time in the police station.

Jesus immediately liked Stef, and he quickly took to Lena as well. His instincts told him that he could trust them, and his instincts were not usually wrong. The only reason Jesus was even considering leaving Mariana was that he knew she wouldn't be in any danger without him in this house.

Sure, _he_ knew that she would be safe with these people, but did _she_? Even after six months of living at the Fosters' house, Mariana still clung to him like a lifeline. He could see in her eyes that she still didn't completely trust Stef and Lena, despite already living with them for half a year. He wondered if she ever would.

He looked around the room as if searching for an answer, his eye spying one of his most prized possessions: his very own Gameboy. He had gotten it a week earlier, a seventh birthday present from Stef and Lena. He had even gone shopping with Brandon a few days ago, his older foster brother helping him choose the best Pokémon games.

He still couldn't believe it. No one had ever given him such an extravagant and expensive toy before. As much as he trusted his foster moms, he was taken completely off-guard by the gift. It baffled him why these two people, who weren't his parents biologically or legally, would spend so much money on him.

He took the game off the chest and went to put it in his bag, before quickly returning it to the table. This happened several times, his hand hovering between the nightstand and the suitcase. Jesus just kept seeing her face, her terrified face and her eyes begging him not to leave her alone. He sighed as he set the console back on the table and zipped the empty luggage closed, kicking it back under the bed. He crossed his arms and slumped down on his blankets, deflated.

"Jesus, what are you doing? Shouldn't you be getting ready for your sleepover?" he sat up to see Lena in the doorway.

"Oh, um, yeah…" Jesus muttered.

"You are still going, aren't you?" Lena asked, her eyebrow furrowed in confusion.

Jesus shrugged his slouched shoulders, his head hung low.

"What's the matter? Aren't you excited?" Lena questioned, walking into the room and taking a seat next to Jesus on the bed.

"I guess," Jesus mumbled in response.

"Well you don't seem very excited. Did something happen, Jesus?" Lena asked worriedly.

"I just…I don't know if I want to go anymore."

"Oh," Lena said, taken off guard. "Well, you certainly don't have to. May I ask why you suddenly changed your mind? I thought you liked Alex."

"I do. It's just," he paused, wondering if he should tell her the truth. He took one look at her face, full of concern and understanding, and knew that he should. "I just don't think I should leave Mariana," he admitted.

Lena sighed. She was afraid something like this was going to happen. She saw the way Mariana and Jesus were attached at the hip. A lot of twins were close, but those two were inseparable, codependent even.

She knew it was unhealthy, but never saw much harm in trying to wean them off of each other, figuring it would do more harm than good and that they would eventually grow out of it with nurturing and time. But now she saw that she was wrong. This conversation shined a light on how intense this bond really was.

And she felt angry. Not at Mariana or Jesus, but at the people in their past that had made them do this in order to survive. A seven-year-old was reluctant to go to a sleepover because he was afraid that his sister might feel scared. People aren't like that unless life gives them a reason to be.

Lena mulled things over in her head, trying to figure out the right thing to say to Jesus.

"Stef and I would never let anything bad happen to you or Mariana," she started, taking his hands in her own.

"I know that," Jesus replied, and Lena could tell he meant it. "But I don't think Mariana does yet," he confessed.

"Look, Jesus, I know you're just trying to take care of Mariana. I get that, I really do. She's your sister and you want to look after her, you feel obligated to look after her, but it's not your job to protect her all the time. Not in this house, anyway."

"I just want her to be safe."

"I know you do, honey. I know you do," Lena said sympathetically, wrapping an arm around Jesus. "But you don't have to be on guard looking out for her every second."

"But I'm her brother."

"Exactly, and you're both still kids, which is why you shouldn't have to carry burdens meant for adults to handle," she said, more to herself than to Jesus. She was still upset at the whole ordeal, upset at the unfairness of the situation, the position both of these children were put in.

"My point is, it's not your responsibility to look out for your sister. You shouldn't have to feel like a parent. You should enjoy being a kid."

Lena looked down at Jesus. She could tell this was all still very new to him, and that he was trying to process everything that Lena had told him. It was a lot to take in, especially for a kid that had probably never heard anyone say something like this to him.

"Do you want to go to the sleepover, Jesus?" Lena asked.

He wanted to go, he really did, but he would sacrifice anything and everything for his sister's well-being.

Jesus nodded, still a little unsure.

"Tell you what, how about we just try it okay? We'll just give it a shot. You go to the sleepover and you let us take of her, okay? And if you don't like it or you don't feel comfortable, you can always call us and we will pick you up and you can come home."

Jesus looked up at Lena. "You promise?" He felt reassured by this arrangement. It felt almost too good to be true. To test it out with a guarantee of being able to back out at any second.

"I promise," Lena smiled, rubbing his shoulder. "Now come on, we've got to get going if you're going to be at Alex's by dinner! Get your suitcase back out, I'll help you pack," Lena declared, grabbing a pair of pajamas and clothes for the next morning out of his drawers.

Jesus reached under his bed and grabbed his bag, feeling lighter than ever before, as if a heavy burden had just been lifted off his shoulders.

**Hey guys! This story will probably end up being about a five-part piece. Please let me know what you think of it! Reviews are much appreciated! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Shoutout to justliziam for being the best beta on the face of the planet. **


	2. A Matter of Minutes

**If I owned The Fosters, do you seriously think we would have to wait until January for new episodes? No, I don't own it.**

"Can we go now?" Jesus asked for about the hundredth time in the past thirty seconds.

"Jesus, we've been over this," Lena said, exasperated, but bemused at his eagerness. It was hard to believe this was the same reluctant child she'd talked to mere moments ago. "We're waiting until Stef gets home. She's going to drop Brandon off at his dad's house and then take you to the sleepover," she explained for the umpteenth time.

"I know, I know," Jesus said, a goofy grin on his face. Lena took in his smile, relieved, but still a bit concerned. Jesus couldn't have done a complete 180 in a matter of minutes. She knew that he was probably trying to appear overenthusiastic to convince both her and himself that the thought of leaving Mariana didn't bother him. The fact that he, probably subconsciously, was acting overexcited to deal with the guilt worried her. However, when she considered the alternative, the dark and burdened Jesus she had seen earlier, she figured that she would much rather him exaggerate the joy rather than the despair.

"Relax," Lena placed a hand on his leg, which was shaking rapidly in anticipation. "You still have plenty of time. You didn't say you'd be over there until, what, six?"

"6:30," Jesus quickly corrected.

"See? Even better. It's only," she glanced down at her watch, "5:45. You'll be fine," she said, patting his leg reassuringly in attempt to calm him down.

Lena sighed softly. Where was Stef? She said she'd be home by 5:30. Sure, fifteen minutes wasn't that long, and traffic could be bad. After all, it was a Friday night at rush hour, but still. She had a cell phone. Why couldn't she just call?

She worried about her, and not only when she late. She constantly worried about Stef. She hated knowing that she could possibly be in a potentially dangerous situation at any minute during her workday. The uncertainty, the peril of it all made her nervous. Stef always teased her for being such a worrywart, but she couldn't help it.

Sure, it'd gotten a little easier with time, once she grew a bit more used to the idea, but she was far from comfortable with it. There was always a lingering in the goodbye kiss in the mornings, the thought ever-present in the back of her mind that it could be their last.

Lena glanced at her watch again. 5:53. She whipped her cell phone out of her pocket, getting ready to dial Stef's number. However, before she could punch the first button, she heard the front door open. Not a second later, she felt Jesus jump up from beside her and sprint to the door with the energy and excitement of a puppy greeting its owner.

"You're home! Let's go let's go let's go!" He said at a speed that Lena didn't know was even attainable by humankind.

"Well it's nice to see you too," Stef replied, wide-eyed, as she stepped into the house.

"Come on come on come on we have to hurry," Jesus said quickly and deathly serious.

"And why is that?" Stef said, matching his serious expression, crouching down so she was at eye-level with the young boy.

"Because," he started, taking a deep breath, "Alex and I are going to eat pizza and then he is going to teach me how to skateboard."

Stef raised an eyebrow, "skateboarding, huh? Well we definitely wouldn't want to be late for that, now would we?"

"Nope," Jesus shook his head.

"You probably want me to hurry up and get Brandon then, yes?"

"Yes."

"Okay," Stef stood up. "I'm hurrying," she said, taking an excruciatingly slow step. "I'm hurrying," she said again, repeating the process, taking a couple more agonizingly slow strides.

"Stef!" Jesus whined.

"What?" Stef said with mock confusion. "I'm going as fast as I can!"

"No you're not!" Jesus protested.

"I am!" Stef defended.

"Well then I bet you couldn't beat me up the stairs," Jesus dared.

"Oh," Stef laughed, "that sure sounds like a challenge to me!"

Seeing where this was headed, Lena started to make a move to stop the inevitable. "No running in the-!" she started. But it was too late. Before she could finish her sentence, two pairs of legs were pounding on the stairs, four sprinting feet racing their way to the top of the landing. "House," she finished to herself, crossing her arms, waiting for her partner and children to return to the first level of the home.

Stef was the first to join Lena, which she was thankful for. She wanted a minute of privacy to talk with her, and she didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids.

"And you," Stef said, approaching her with a cheeky grin. "Oh how I've missed you, my love," she said, giving her a hug and kissing her on the cheek. It almost made Lena forget why she was angry.

Almost.

"What is it?" Stef frowned, her forehead creased. She stepped back, an arm's length away, when she realized that Lena wasn't reciprocating the affection.

"You were late," Lena said coldly.

Stef sighed. "I know," she looked down. "And I'm sorry, I was about to call but I didn't think the drive would take as long as it did and I figured you'd be busy getting the kids all packed and…" she rambled off when she realized the excuses were having no effect on Lena. She was still getting the dreaded 'look.' Raised left eyebrow, regal posture, the whole shebang.

"I'll make it up to you," she pouted, trying to look cute and innocent. And it was working, damn it.

"How? I don't think you can," Lena teased her, shrugging and looking away.

"Oh I bet you'd be surprised," Stef whispered, touching her forehead to Lena's.

"Yeah? You think?" Lena asked, placing her hands on her back and pulling her closer.

"I know," Stef replied, her voice soft in Lena's ears, and her breath hot on Lena's skin.

"Hm," Lena said, closing her eyes and smiling, the two in a tight embrace. They didn't look at each other, for both sets of eyes were closed, but they saw each other all the same. The patterns of their heartbeats synchronized and their steady breathing became one breath as they held each other close.

"Ugh, we can't do this right now," Lena said, reluctantly breaking the comfortable silence that had formed, but making no move to leave.

"Why not?" Stef mumbled, as if she didn't already know why.

"Because Brandon and Jesus and the sleepovers," Lena replied.

Stef let out a groan. "After?" She proposed hopefully.

"Mariana will still be home," Lena reminded her.

"Yeah but she usually goes to sleep pretty early," Stef assured her, running her hands through Lena's hair, her fingers massaging her scalp.

"Then after that, I'm all yours," Lena managed to say, holding in a moan as Stef continued to absentmindedly play with her hair, her touch gentle and filled with obvious desire.

"You promise?" she asked, kissing her neck.

"I promise. Now stop it, before you give me a hickey," Lena said with a small giggle, playfully slapping her away.

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Stef asked, ignoring Lena's protests.

"Well considering I work around children, yes, I think it would probably be considered extremely unprofessional."

"Ugh, you're such a tease," Stef sighed, unwillingly moving her head away from Lena's neck and opening her eyes. "Fine," she moped. "I'll go get the kids," she said, ready to turn and head up the stairs.

"Oh, and Stef?" Lena called after her.

"Yes, love?"

"No running in the house," she crossed her arms, trying to maintain a grave expression.

"Why?" Stef flashed her a mischievous smile. "You gonna get me in trouble?" she tested with a raise of her eyebrow.

"You're such a child, Stefanie Foster," Lena shook her head.

"Yeah, well, I always was a piece of work," Stef shrugged, taunting Lena by intentionally jogging up the stairs.

Lena rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but grin. "But you're my piece of work."

**Thanks so much for the great response to chapter 1! I am blown away by the amount of support I've gotten, so please keep it up! You guys are awesome, and I'd love it if you'd continue to review and give me great feedback! **

**Once again, thanks to justliziam for being the best beta ever!**


	3. Leaving

**I tried to steal the rights to The Fosters, but unfortunately I was caught and detained by Mike and Stef. So I still don't own it. **

"I'll see you both in the morning," Lena called after her two boys, who were following Stef to the car. "Jesus, make sure you wear a helmet if you go skateboarding, and Brandon, if you and your dad end up going to the batting cages, I expect you to wear a helmet too," Lena listed the last few reminders as they opened their car doors.

"Shall we get them helmets for the car too?" Stef joked, shutting the trunk after placing the two suitcases in the back.

Lena shrugged, "wouldn't hurt. You're not the best driver in the world."

Stef threw her head back with a laugh. "So much sass," she murmured before getting in the driver's seat. "Buckle up," Lena faintly heard her say before pulling out of the driveway.

Lena shook her head before shutting the door and reentering the house. She looked at the stairs and frowned.

Mariana had been in her room since she got home from school, and while she still wasn't the most social or outgoing of kids, she usually didn't isolate herself from the rest of the family for that long. Lena figured she'd better go check on her. She knew not having Jesus around tonight would be hard for her, and that she would need some help.

"Hey, sweetheart," she said, opening the door to Mariana's room.

"Hi," Mariana said gloomily, briefly looking up from her coloring book.

"You didn't talk much on the way home from school. Everything okay?" Lena asked, stepping into the room.

"Yeah," Mariana said sadly, picking up a blue crayon and scribbling in the book on her lap.

Lena knew she wasn't going to get much out of the younger girl, but the distress in her actions was evidence enough that she was not happy about Jesus' departure that evening.

Lena sighed. "Mind if I join you?" she asked Mariana, taking a seat next to her when Mariana shrugged. She picked up a coloring book from the stack on the edge of the bed. The older woman flipped to an uncolored picture of a turtle. She smiled softly to herself, immediately recognizing the iconic figure. Skippy. Brandon had been obsessed with him and had evidently handed down the book to Mariana and Jesus when they arrived.

"So how was school today?" Lena asked, trying to ease her into a conversation she knew they would have to have about Jesus.

"Good," Mariana replied, another one-word, half-hearted answer.

"Well that's good. What'd you do in class?" Lena inquired, picking up a green crayon and beginning to color Skippy's shell.

"Mm, I don't know. In science we learned about volcanoes and in English we read a story," Mariana replied, coloring Cinderella's dress a light blue.

"Oh, how fun!" Lena said enthusiastically, attempting to perk up Mariana as well. "What story?"

"Well, it was only a chapter, but the teacher read us some of _Matilda_," Mariana responded.

"Wow, that's a great one. One of my favorites. Maybe after you guys get done reading it we could rent the movie," Lena suggested, switching out her green crayon for a yellow one.

Mariana smiled slightly, but Lena could tell it was forced. Her mind was obviously somewhere else right now.

"Listen," Lena started, setting the crayon down so her complete focus was on the young girl beside her. "I know that it's hard for you to not have Jesus here." She saw her freeze for a moment, a look of panic flash in her eyes, but she quickly composed herself and went back to doodling.

"But you can trust Stef and me, all right? We'll protect you just like Jesus does."

She got no reaction from the little girl beside her; instead she tried to remain nonchalant and contained, keeping her eyes fixated on the book in front of her.

"You can trust me, Mariana," Lena said, this time getting her to look up. Lena smiled warmly, waiting for another response from Mariana, verbal or not.

Instead, the silence was interrupted by beeping noise, and Lena felt a vibration on her hip. She let out an irritated sigh before grabbing the phone from her pocket, cursing the terrible timing.

She was about to push 'decline' when she read the name on the screen. Sanchez. She sighed, and wondered why the hell her boss would be calling her on a Friday night. "I have to take this call, but I'll be back in a minute, okay sweetheart?" She said, patting Mariana's shoulder before stepping out the door.

"Lena Adams speaking," she answered, a bit snappily, putting the device to her ear.

"Lena, hi, this is Robert Sanchez. Listen, I need you to do me a big favor," he said in his deep, gruff voice.

"Yes?" Lena prompted, raking a hand through her hair. She really didn't have time for this right now; she needed this to be over quickly.

"As you know, there's that big conference in Alcoa this weekend. A lot of the major private schools are attending, and it's important that we have a representative there."

"Okay, and…" she replied, cuing him to continue.

"Carina has been out with the flu all week and it looks like she's not going to be able to make it tomorrow. I'd go myself, but it's my sister's wedding on Sunday and my family's flying out to Indiana early tomorrow morning."

Lena winced; sensing the direction this conversation was headed.

"I was wondering if you wouldn't mind taking her place," Sanchez finished.

"Listen, Rob, I really would, but I'm kind of in a bind. There's some family stuff going on and I don't feel like I should leave my kids, I-"

"Lena, you know I wouldn't ask you if we weren't desperate."

"Well then…" Lena replied defensively.

"That's not what I meant," Sanchez replied quickly. "It's just…this conference is really important, and I wouldn't ask you to give up your weekend if it wasn't. Look Lena, you're one of the most dependable faculty members our school has. I would just really feel comfortable if you were the one that went."

Lena exhaled loudly, pinching the bridge of her nose. "All right, all right. I guess I can go. What time do I need to be there tomorrow?"

"First session starts at eight, it's a keynote with the superintendent of one of the highest testing schools in the nation," he added, as if this would somehow make this situation better.

"Eight tomorrow morning? In Alcoa? Isn't that like five hours away?" Lena panicked, her forehead creasing in worry.

"Approximately I believe it's around that, yes," Sanchez confirmed.

"Okay," Lena said, placing a hand on her forehead. That would mean she would have to leave the house at approximately three o'clock that morning, which wasn't an option. Meaning that she would have drive down that night if she was to be on time the next morning.

"So I'll need to get a hotel," Lena said, a bit of harshness and coldness creeping into her usually very calm and warm tone.

"The school will pay for it," Sanchez promised.

"Fine. I'll be there," she assured him.

"Thank you, Lena, I really do appreciate it."

"Yeah, you're welcome. Bye," she replied, ending the call, not believing her misfortune.

This had to be the worst timing ever, getting called away on the night Mariana needed her the most. She needed consistency, and to be surrounded by support tonight, and Lena was going to be noticeably absent. She walked into the room slowly, wondering how she would break the news.

"Hey, sweetie," she greeted her, retaking her former seat. "Okay, so my boss just called, and there's this really important meeting I have to go to tomorrow. It's kind of far away, so I need to drive there tonight, which means I'm not going to be home tonight," she started, waiting for Mariana to interrupt with a question or comment. Instead, she just continued to mark on the page in front of her.

"Trust me, babe, I would much rather stay home with you," she continued, "but this is really important for my job. But Stef will still be home, and she's going to take great care of you tonight, okay?" She asked, still getting no response. "Mariana, can you talk to me, please?" she gently prodded.

Mariana slowly looked up from her book, her innocent brown eyes wide and anxious. She opened her mouth and shakily uttered, "you're leaving me too?"

**Wow. Again, thank you so much for the incredible response to this story. Your support is overwhelming. Keep those reviews coming, my amazing readers! **

**Justliziam is still the best beta in the world. **


	4. She Needs Me

**I don't own The Fosters. Does anybody want to chip in some money to help me buy it?**

"Honey, I'm home!" Stef proclaimed, channeling her inner 50's sitcom father and tossing her keys on the counter. "Lena?" she called again, looking around the first floor in confusion. She figured Lena would mostly likely be in the living room or the kitchen. Not locating her in any of the common areas, she headed upstairs.

As she walked down the hallway of the second floor to her and Lena's bedroom, she peered into Mariana's room as she passed. She was surprised to see the small girl sitting on her bed, hugging her knees tightly to her chest, her eyes fixed on the window. She contemplated going in to talk to her, but ultimately stopped herself, figuring maybe she'd better check in with Lena first.

"Hey, babe," Stef greeted as she stepped inside their room, spying an exhausted looking Lena, her eyes closed and leaning against their headboard.

Lena slowly opened her eyes and sat up. "Hey. Sorry, I didn't realize you were home," she apologized. "Must not have heard you come in."

"Really? And here I thought I'd been obnoxious in making my presence known."

Lena let out a strained chuckle.

"So what's up? I saw Mariana sitting in her bedroom. She looked pretty upset. Did something happen?" Stef asked, climbing onto the bed and lounging next to Lena.

Lena let out a frustrated breath. "So Sanchez called."

"Uh-oh, nothing good ever starts with 'So Sanchez called,'" Stef interjected.

"Yeah, no kidding. Anyway, so Sanchez called and asked me if I wouldn't mind going to this conference in Alcoa."

"And?"

"And he kind of did it when I was in the middle of talking to Mariana about Jesus being gone tonight."

"Ouch. Talk about bad timing. When's the meeting?"

"It's tomorrow, which means I'm going to have to drive down tonight which means Mariana will not only have her brother gone but also me which means-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there," Stef put her hands up, trying to calm Lena down. "Did you tell Sanchez you would go?"

"Yes, which prompted Mariana to say 'you're leaving me too?' with one of the most crushing expressions I've ever witnessed."

"Oh, God," Stef whispered, closing her eyes. Not only was that revelation heartbreaking in and of itself, but she couldn't imagine how terrible Lena must be feeling. It was bad enough that she was the one who actually saw this play out; and to make it worse, Lena was one of the most empathetic people she'd ever met. She was no doubt feeling incredibly guilty for something completely out of her control.

"I feel so awful about it. I mean, she needs me here, she's never needed me more, and here I am abandoning her too."

"You're not abandoning her," Stef said firmly, almost reprimanding.

Lena ignored the comment. "Trust me; I wouldn't go unless it was really important. But I feel like I have to, I mean we're desperate, we've been preparing for this conference for months."

"Sweetheart, it's fine, don't worry about it," Stef assuaged her.

"Are you sure?" Lena asked, still unconvinced.

"Yes, of course, it's fine. Go. Have your fun with the stick-up-their-ass school board people," she said, trying to throw a little insulting humor in there to relax Lena.

"But Mariana-"

"What, you don't trust me?" she asked, mock-offended. "I'll have you know that I raised Brandon without you for a couple years and he doesn't even have a single visible inappropriate tattoo yet. He's not a chain smoker either, so I've got to be doing something right."

"It's not that, it's just-"

"I know what you meant," Stef assured her, turning serious since Lena was failing miserably at picking up on her sarcasm for the time being. "She'll be fine, sweetheart. It's just one night. Plus, knowing that kid she'll probably be asleep not five minutes after you're gone. She's an early riser, and she insists on getting her precious 'beauty rest,' as she refers to it."

"Okay," Lena supposed, nodding her head. She obviously trusted Stef to handle things. And who knows, maybe it would even be good for Mariana. Sometimes growing required being out of your comfort zone for awhile. This could be a real turning point in her life, learning to trust new people and learning to let go of some of her more clingy tendencies. "Okay, you're right."

"I'm _always_ right," Stef clarified, pecking Lena on the cheek. "Although I do have to say I am a bit disappointed that we won't get to finish what we started earlier. And to think you promised me I would be all yours. You dirty liar," she accused.

"Distance and time make the heart grow fonder," Lena told her, returning a quick kiss before rolling off the bed. "I better get packing if I want to make it to the hotel before four in the morning," she sighed, pulling an overnight bag out from a shelf in their closet.

"I don't want you to go," Stef whined, sitting cross-legged on the bed.

"Trust me, I don't want to. I wish that-"

"Kidding, babe, kidding," Stef cut her off. "Well, not kidding, but like I said, it's fine. I'll still be here when you get back."

"If the conference doesn't kill me," Lena replied overdramatically.

"If the extreme boringness starts to feel threatening, just remind it that your wife's a cop. That should get it to back off."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," Lena replied, rolling her eyes and throwing a shirt into her suitcase.

"Any time."

"So, what do you plan on doing with Mariana tonight?" Lena asked, continuing to move about the room and gather a few necessary items.

"Oh, I don't know," Stef shrugged. "Maybe rent a movie, paint our nails, eat some sesame seeds-"

"No!" Lena exclaimed, whipping her head around to face Stef. "Mariana is highly allergic to sesame seeds! She could have a-"

"I'm kidding! I'm kidding," Stef defended. "Obviously I know that. And who the hell sits around eating raw sesame seeds anyway?"

Lena did not look amused. "Could you stop with the sarcasm? I'm clearly not equipped to process it at the moment."

"I'm sorry, love," Stef stood up, joining Lena in the center of the room. "But you really should stop worrying so much. It's just for one night."

"Right," Lena said, "just one night. What could go wrong?"

**I know I say this every time, but your support continues to overwhelm me. Thank you all so much for your incredible feedback. You really make writing this a lot of fun! I appreciate each and every one of your reviews, so please continue to give generously! I can't thank you enough!**

**Justliziam is the coolest beta you will ever meet. **


	5. Unselfish

**Unfortunately, I don't own The Fosters yet. **

Stef lay down on the couch and thought about how lonely her feet were. She and Lena had fallen into a habitual pattern over the years. After a long day, they would sit on their tacitly agreed upon positions: Lena sitting upright, feet on the coffee table with Stef sprawled out on the length of the couch, her legs resting on Lena's lap. They would discuss the day's events, a glass of wine in hand, and just relax. Unfortunately, this scenario would have difficulty occurring tonight considering half of the party was missing.

Getting Lena out the door had been no easy feat, but Stef had miraculously managed to do so after Lena had reminded her approximately seventy million times what her cell phone number was in case she or one of the kids needed her.

Stef figured she should probably be totally offended by this, considering she too was the parent of these children, but really how could she be? Her overprotective tendencies just showed how passionate she was as a mother and how much she cared for her family. It was sweet; unnecessary, but incredibly sweet.

Stef glanced at the clock. 9:30. That was late enough to go to bed, right? It was dark out, and she was exhausted from the day's events, hell, the week's events.

It had been a very long week filled with late night school projects (thanks to Brandon informing her at nine o'clock on Tuesday night that "by the way, my science fair project is due tomorrow") and dealing with uncooperative washing machine repairmen (props to Jesus for the classic "oh shoot, I forgot I had those gummy worms in the pocket of my shorts.") To put it simply, she was wiped.

There was really no reason for her to stay awake, she figured. Lena wasn't here, and Mariana had retreated to her own bedroom hours ago. Stef rubbed her temples, reviewing the night alone with the young girl.

She and Mariana had shared a medium pizza, an order of breadsticks, and virtually no words. Sure, she couldn't expect them all to be as outgoing and talkative as Jesus, but this was a whole other level of detached.

Mariana was making progress, she'd give her that. There was slight improvement from the time she had first arrived at the Fosters' house. For one thing, she had been sleeping in her own bedroom lately. For the first few months, she refused to leave Jesus' side, insisting that she sleep in his room despite their gentle prods for her to sleep in a room of her very own. Baby steps were being taken. Stef knew that it was going to take time, obviously this wasn't something that was going to be fixed overnight, but she worried that it wasn't enough.

That _she_ wasn't enough.

Stef wasn't blind, and although Lena always tried to persuade her otherwise, she could see Mariana felt much more comfortable with Lena. That much was painfully obvious to her. She didn't blame Mariana. She tried not to blame herself. Lena had a slight advantage, being that she had a PhD in Child Psychology; she was literally trained to deal with these situations and form these connections, to build these relationships. She tried not to take it personally, she really did, but she couldn't help but feel some guilt.

She saw the way Mariana tensed up whenever she spied the gun on her hip. She saw the way she flinched whenever she spontaneously reached out to brush the dirt off of Jesus' face or run a hand through Mariana's hair. She couldn't help but feel a little bit responsible for her dissociated state. What was she doing wrong?

Stef sighed, putting a hand over her face and decided that she was much too fatigued to think about this right now, instead flipping the television on. She grabbed a blanket from the end of the couch and decided to make camp for night. Not only was she too tired to trudge all the way up the stairs, but she never slept well in her bed when Lena was gone. There was too much cold sheet, and it felt empty and lonely. It felt a little like her heart.

FOSTERS

She was out like a light in five minutes flat, happily submitting to the fatigue that quickly paralyzed her body. The sleep was deep and well-needed, the house was quiet, and there was nothing Stef was overly-anxious about. Needless to say she was perplexed when she found herself jolted awake not an hour after she had dozed off.

She had always been a fairly light sleeper, attributing this to her training on the police force. Her reflexes constantly had to be razor-sharp, and she had to be prepared to spring into action if called, no matter what time of day or night she was needed.

But the house was practically empty, and she wasn't even on duty. Outside was peaceful, no cloud in sight, so wind or thunder being the cause of her sudden awakening were out of the question.

She attempted to shrug off the strange occurrence, lying back down on the couch, adjusting to try and get comfortable again. She closed her eyes and nuzzled back into the throw pillow in an effort to regain the glorious peaceful slumber she so desired.

But her body had other ideas.

She felt a gnawing sense in her stomach that something was off. There was a mysteriously puzzling sensation seizing her. Something wasn't right, and she needed to take action against it, but she couldn't put her finger on what she was supposed to be doing.

Realizing this feeling was going to prevent her from her precious sleep, she sat up and rubbed her eyes, reluctantly abandoning the idea for now. She pushed herself off the sofa, deciding her best course of action would be to check on the only other occupied room at the moment.

Call it natural instincts, call it mother's intuition, or call it a dumb-luck coincidence, but the moment Stef reached the top of the stairs, she knew she had made the right choice by getting up. She could hear faint sobs coming from inside Mariana's bedroom, and she quickly walked the short distance to her room.

She was about to rip open the door, her first impulse to immediately confront the problem, to try and fix is as soon as possible. Mariana's quiet cries send throbbing anguish into Stef's heart, and she didn't know how much more she could take. However, she somehow refrained from acting rash, telling herself that hasty actions could very well do more harm than good in this fragile situation.

"Mariana?" she practically whispered, gently knocking on the door. The other side of the door went silent; the quiet sobs replaced by the deafening sounds of nothing. The soft whimpers substituted for a shaky inhalation, the girl no doubt trying to contain herself. "Mariana, can I come in?" she asked permission, trying not to seem overpowering or scary, letting her have some control in her delicate state.

There was a barely audible sniffle in reply, and Stef wasn't quite sure how to interpret it. "Is that a yes?" she asked in confirmation.

"Yes," came a mousy response, and Stef wasted no time in entering once permitted.

"Hey," Stef said softly, cautiously walking over to her bed and kneeling beside it so she could be at eye-level, but not too close to the frightened girl. "What's the matter, love?" she lightly prodded.

"Nothing," Mariana replied, looking down and picking at a loose thread on her blanket.

"Well then why are you crying?" Stef questioned, her voice calm and nonthreatening. "Was it a nightmare?"

Mariana shook her head. "I can't sleep," she said plainly.

"Why's that? Aren't you tired?" Stef inquired, starting to panic a bit at the lack of progress this conversation was making, afraid they would just keep going in circles.

She got no immediate response this time, Mariana barely paying attention to what she had said. Instead, her eyes were glassy and glazed, her lip quivering ever so slightly and her hands shaking. A tear fell from her eye, and she quickly rubbed it away with a clenched fist.

Stef's heart was threatening to break in two, and she could barely restrain herself from gathering the young girl in her arms. "Baby, please talk to me," she practically pleaded.

"I'm selfish," she said, her voice filled with guilt and regret.

"You're not selfish," Stef shook her head, trying hard to firmly convince her of this. "Why would you say that you are?"

"Because I am," she said harshly through gritted teeth, almost angrily. Her crying was harder now, racking her entire body, tears streaking down her cheeks.

"You aren't," Stef repeated, her head still shaking. "What would make you say that? Who told you that?" she asked, wanting at this moment nothing more that to strangle whoever had put that thought into her mind.

For the first time Mariana looked her straight into her eyes. She had never felt so conflicted, so confused. It was hard to remember that she couldn't trust anyone when someone's eyes looked so honest.

"I can't tell you," she said unyieldingly, her tone tinged with regret, her eyes sad and cheeks stained.

"Yes, sweetheart, you can," Stef nodded encouragingly, not being able to hold herself back from gently taking one of the young girl's hands into her own.

"I let them take my mommy away and then she didn't want us," Mariana whispered, her throat sore from tears, her voice more pain-filled than Stef had ever heard before. "I loved her, I promise I did, but she didn't love me back," she said. And her face crumbled, giving a whole new meaning to the word 'broken.' She cried harder than she ever knew was possible, the weeping forcing her to take loud breaths. The inhalations were desperate gasps for air; the exhalations more like howls of guilt, of sadness, of confusion.

Stef didn't care anymore. Her careful thinking went to hell, and she acted solely on instinct. She climbed onto the bed, and gathered the girl so that she was sitting on her lap. She wrapped her arms around her and held her close, and was met with only slight resistance. Because those were _her_ instincts coming out. To push people away, keep them safely at bay so that it didn't hurt so badly when they were ripped away. She felt Mariana gently shove her torso in a half-hearted attempt to squirm away from the embrace, but Stef held steadfast.

"Let go, baby," she whispered into her hair. She felt the body relax in her arms, the tension leaving her body. She allowed her to grip onto her shirt like it was the only thing keeping her from drowning.

And she let her cry.

She rubbed her back with one hand as she slowly rocked back and forth, stroking her hair with the other. She murmured soothing words, but avoided saying things like "hush" or "don't cry." Because she shouldn't be silenced. She was entitled to this pain, and she was allowed to act on it, to have a reaction. She shouldn't be shamed or quieted for the behavior. She should be encouraged to be this open, to be shown that it was okay to break down and feel vulnerable and exposed.

"I'm sorry," Mariana suddenly said, practically jumping out of Stef's embrace. She had calmed considerably, regaining her rational thoughts, and with them, her walls. She knew she should be sorry, though she didn't exactly know why.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, babe," Stef resolved, firmness and tenderness equally apparent.

Mariana paused, not knowing what to do with this unexpected reaction. She shook her head. "I'm sorry," she muttered again. She wished it didn't have to be this way-she liked being with Stef-but she knew it had to be so. She had made a tragic mistake, and she had to punish herself for it. She had to be alone.

"Have I ever lied to you?" Stef asked, the sudden distance killing her. She frantically tried to stop Mariana from taking the two steps back after the one step forward they had just achieved.

Mariana slowly shook her head, unconsciously inching away from the older woman sitting on her bed.

"That's right, because I'm a woman of my word. And I assure you that you have done nothing to warrant an apology. I wouldn't lie to you, and if you had done something wrong, I would tell you. Does that make sense?"

Mariana nodded, still uncertain of the whole situation. This was a lot to take in, and she was still torn on what she should do. All she knew for sure was that she had felt better than she had in a long time with Stef, and that a little part of her regretted ever leaving her embrace.

Stef looked at the confused child, seeing in her eyes that deep down, she was still longing for a connection, but that she was much too afraid to initiate anything. "Come here," Stef said welcomingly, lifting her arms slightly. Relief flooded Mariana's face as she eagerly returned to the security of the blonde, once again submitting to being held.

It dawned on Stef why this was all happening tonight. Jesus had always acted as a distraction. He had always protected her from letting these thoughts consume her. Each day the feelings went unaddressed, they became stronger. It had all built up. Right now she didn't have her lifeline, her safety net, the only person she could trust anymore. The demons were reaching the forefront of her mind and demanding to be felt and dealt with.

Stef didn't know how long they sat there, and honestly, she didn't really care. They could stay there until she was eighty for all she cared, just as long as Mariana felt safe.

"I still don't think I can sleep," Mariana said, her voice muffled as her face was still buried in Stef's shirt.

"Luckily we don't have to sleep. We can watch a movie if you want. Would you like that? I could make popcorn and everything," Stef suggested casually. She wanted Mariana to know that just because she let herself get emotional, she wasn't going to treat her any differently.

"But it's late. Wouldn't Mama get mad?" she asked. She had a point; Lena wasn't a big fan of the kids staying up late.

"Who says she has to know?" Stef asked mysteriously. "And I think she'd make an exception for tonight, yes?"

"Okay," Mariana said, the corner of her mouth lifting ever so slightly.

"Okay," Stef nodded in finality. "What are we watching?"

Mariana shrugged in response.

"No ideas? All right then, I'll pick. _Beauty and the Beast_ it is."

"I've never seen it," Mariana said.

"What?!" Stef exclaimed dramatically, her mouth dropping and eyes widening in an over exaggeration. "Well then you need to scoot your little self downstairs and prepare yourself for the world's greatest Disney princess movie," Stef informed her. "Go put it in the CD player while I make the popcorn," she instructed.

Mariana giggled.

"What? This is not a laughing matter, this is extraordinarily serious business."

"You don't put movies in a CD player. That's what DVD players are for," she notified Stef.

"Well excuse me," Stef said, mock-offended. She rolled her eyes.

"I forgive you. That's what happens when you're old," Mariana shrugged.

"You know what?" Stef laughed, a bit taken aback by the daring insult coming from the still timid girl. "That's enough out of you, Miss Thing. And for that, I'm going to sing along to the entire movie," she threatened.

"Oh no," Mariana's eyes widened.

"Oh yes!" she shouted dramatically. "Now go put the thingy in the whatever-you-call-it so we can get this party started," she ordered.

Mariana obeyed and practically skipped down the stairs, Stef following close behind.

They only got through about a quarter of the popcorn and two and a half songs before sleep won both of them over, Mariana asleep on Stef's lap. Stef's arm lay draped across her protectively, shielding her from her haunting past, and guiding her to a future full of love.

**Okay guys! That's the end for this particular story! But don't worry, there's an extremely high chance that I'll be back with stories similar to this one in the near future!**

**Thank you so much for your support throughout this story. I honestly can't believe the amazing responses I have gotten. You all have warmed my heart time and time again, and I cannot thank you enough. I hope this chapter met your expectations and was an end that did this story justice! I'd love to hear your final thoughts! Again, thank you so much, and I hope to see you next time!**

**And once again, much love to justliziam for continuously being my incredible beta and letting me bounce ideas off of her 24/7. **


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